GPS Tracking of MPs – The perfect answer to all the problems that a Chief Whip might face…

Just think of all those scandals that could have been averted if MPs had been made to wear GPS tags...

I read today that the new ‘Oasis of the Seas’ cruise liner, the biggest of its type, has created a new system of making sure that parents can keep track of their children.

They are urging parents to use the system on the vast liner as it can track them on any of the decks of the ship.  With 16 decks and up to 6,300 passengers this might seem a very sensible answer to all those lost children.

But, I bet Chief Whips are green with envy at the idea of being able to keep track of their MPs in the same way.

Just think they would be easy to usher into the right lobby, easy to check if they were in the wrong lobby for that matter and most importantly easier to check up on if they were, shall we say, in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Just think of all those dodgy deals, dangerous liaisons and sexual peccadilloes that could have been thwarted, or headed off, in the past.

You can now throw custard pies at expenses MPs…

Peter Mandelson was hit with green paint but now we can all throw custard pies from the comfort of our own desks!

If you don’t feel sufficiently satiated by the fallout from the MPs expenses scandal, now you can throw custard pies at your favourite miscreant!

Although the game is clearly a plug for a holiday company, it is quite entertaining to throw pies at an MP of your choice.

I chose Douglas Hogg, of dirty moat fame, and I thought it would be a very interesting psychological game to work our why people pick their ‘villain’ of choice.

According to The Telegraph; Other popular choices include Jacqui Smith, the former Home Secretary, Hazel Blears, the former communities minister, Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister, Lord Mandelson, the business secretary, and David Cameron, the Tory leader.

Those who manage to hit their chosen MP in the face six or more times in 30 seconds are entered into a draw for a £1 million prize to start a new life in Spain.

You can access the custard pie game here.

Agent’s Training 9 – Buy your own flowers!

bouquet of flowers

The final job for any agent is to make sure that they have purchased their own present from the candidate!

Candidates, especially ones who have just been elected as Members of Parliament, quickly forget how they got elected.

It is an unfortunate truism that outsiders believe that, ‘candidates win elections and agents lose them.’ This is more of a comment on the apportioning of blame, or praise, rather the actual work done.

But, one of the things that candidates often forget, mainly because they suddenly get messages to attend Parliamentary Party Meetings, briefings or photo calls, the people who get them elected, and they forget to say thank you.

Personally I have experience of this and although people can be forgiven for stage fright in their acceptance speech, they do mange to thank the police, the returning officer and the counting staff, not to mention uncle Tom Cobbly, but they do sometimes forget to thank the person who just increased their income. 

But, normally, a sensible member makes sure that the successful candidate suddenly comes forth with a bottle of single malt, and all is well.

Now no names, but a friend of mine, knowing the nature of one candidate was forced, knowing the ineptitude of the candidate in question, to run around their local village to organise flowers, for herself, for the successful candidate to award to her at the thank you party. 

Surely this is too much to ask of any agent?!