Tony, take it personally, the most qualified person for the job doesn’t always get it!

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Despite being well qualified and the best known candidate for the job Tony Blair won't get it!

Dear Tony,

Thank you so much for your interest in the position of European President, which was recently advertised in the national and international press.

As you demonstrated, through your impressive Curriculum Vitae, you have both the experience and the ability to fulfil the role, and act as an internationally recognisable figure. So it may come as a disappointment for you to hear that you will not be offered the post on this occasion.

Despite being the longest serving Labour UK Prime Minister in history, winning landslide victories on two occasions it is thought that perhaps your popularity amongst those in your own country, and in continental Europe, may act as a barrier to your success in this role.

The evidence you provided of an unprecedented standing ovation, from all sides, in the House of Commons on your retirement, was impressive, but letters we have received since have suggested that this may not have been heartfelt by all those that engaged in it.

As you suggested the evidence that only 31% of the UK population support your candidature probably does outnumber those that have heard of all the others candidates put together across the European Union.

I can see that being beaten by a candidate who is less recognisable, has less experience, less media ability and less capacity to make the role one as a significant global player may seem to contradict the suggested job description.

Having seen the way others could fulfil the role, in a less engaging way, we have decided that we are going to offer it to another candidate. The panel decided on reflection, particularly those from Germany and France and the UK Opposition, that your skills, although self-evident, and well suited to the role, were far too good in comparison to their own, and should not be encouraged further.

We will of course keep your details on file for any other opportunities that come up, and would hope you might consider applying for other posts with the European Union in the future.

Please make sure you apply for roles where you would not be too successful to avoid future disappointment.

With Best Wishes,

The less influential European Union (which has decided that committees rule rather than ability)

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‘Happy Birthday, Mr President!’ What should one buy Mr Ahmadinejad today?

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President Ahmadinejad seems to have everything, what to buy?!

He may be the most dangerous politician in the middle east, and arguably the world, but today is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s birthday, and I was wondering what one should buy, as a gift, for the man who has everything.

Obviously he would really like a lovely set of nuclear missiles to allow him, and Iran, to join the top table of nuclear nations in the world, but that’s too dear, especially in this time of recession. I called both Harrods and Fortnum and Mason and they have both run out of nuclear missiles.

So something cheaper that he can share. He apparently wants to wipe Israel off the map, but I don’t think that should be encouraged, as he needs to learn to play nicely, and that would not be nice.

I find it really difficult to buy for someone who really hasn’t been a good boy this year, which leaves me with having to buy him something that I would like and he could benefit from.

I have decided what I am going to buy the President, and that is a functioning democracy. 

Apparently you can buy these off the shelf these days.  The United Nations and the European Union would be more than happy to explain how to run free and fair elections in Iran, and this would be an excellent present for President Ahmadinejad. He would benefit from it, because it would afford him legitimacy if he was actually elected, and all the people of Iran, and those in the region, would also benefit from a strong, democratic Iran.

Now, I just have to decide how I am going to wrap it!